GCSEs biased against thick kids, thick kids complain

TODAY’S GCSE results have once again shown academia’s clear and unjustifiable bias against children of average to low intelligence.

As clever children leap into the air in delight, their neurosuboptimal classmates find themselves receiving low-numbered grades which are, ironically, the only numbers they fully comprehend.

16-year-old Jordan Gardner said: “It’s not fair. I went to all the same lessons they did. I should get the same grades.

“Alright, I couldn’t pay attention to anything the teacher was saying, but that’s because he wasn’t a phone or even a telly. I’m a normal guy, I’ve got my limits.

“It’s good that the Tory party are taking up our cause as their natural post-Brexit support base. If they promise me two top-grade GCSEs I’ll use my newly-acquired vote to support them taking that same vote off me. See, there’s benefits to being thick.”

Education secretary Bridget Phillipson said: “We are very concerned about the thick, especially those unable to achieve good GCSE grades by attending private school.

“Have they tried not being thick? Or is that a bit Blairite?”